Faith, hope, love, joy!

I was just sharing with this friend of mine about how a particular person

decided to give up on me, decided to just do it his/her way without even

questioning me. The truth is i may not show it out to that person but deep

inside, i already cried out to God a few time about it! And that friend, stayed

up to really chat with me about it and telling me about how people should

never give up on us when we dont even want to give up on us! i meant, look

it in a way that God doesnt want to give up on me, no matter how much i

disappoint him, he still loves me and he still gave me another chance. He never

give up and he still believe that im the one and thats the reason why he pick

me over all the others. So as what we say, to be a follower of Christ instead of

a consumer. to do what Jesus do, love what Jesus love, and go where Jesus go

so why do we still give up on each other when Jesus didnt! Jesus died for us, he

waited for like so long and even as how i rejected on accepting him so many time,

he still never give up and look at me now, his perseverance has cause my heart

to soften and allow him to be my saviour and Lord! So why do you give up on me

when i myself havent. it just doesnt make sense how i couldnt voice out every single

thing because im not in the authority to say so, i just feel regretful! thats all i can do.

and at the very least, i just hope that you dont give up on me and let me prove to you

this once that i can do it! this actually reminded me of my ex-sheep, when i first heard

that i become her shepherd, i decided to do my best since shes my 2nd sheep! so i

ask to meet her up and i even tried to go her house but she apparently doesnt want to

meet me. she just keep making excuses about how shes caught up in school and one

thing that came to my mind was, you are only sec 2, how busy can you get? and she

just keep rejecting over and over again till one time when i feel so sian that i decided to

just give up on her! she doesnt turn up for service and lifegroup so let alone shepherding.

till once when i was doing quiet time and God somehow reminded me that he did not

gave up on anyone and he wants me to be righteous, to be like him! so her face kind of

came into my mind! and at that moment, it was around like half a months or even more

since i talk to her, it was definitely awkward and i just told God, God, forget it la, shes already

so stagnant, even if i ask her, she also wont want to come one la! thn God just keep

reminding me about him not giving up so i decided to just take my phone and send her

a super long message about how sorry i am of not  being able to retain her well and

everything and i was thinking, aiya she wouldnt reply me one la. n suddenly she replied

and she told me she would like another chance and she wanted to come for tmr service.

at that moment, i was really shocked,  i was so thankful to God and from then, she even

turn up for shepherding, though she was not consistent but slowly as we come to 2012,

she was quite consistent and i even saw her being shepherded by her shepherd. it was

really a great sight and how she did not forget me and still keep coming to me and joke

with me. i was really amazed, God can change lives. and as long as we dont give up, look

at the souls that will changed so i was hoping that you would not give up on me so that i

wouldnt give up on the souls that are still lost! I believe God will make his way (:

anyway, i thank God for you, my friend who chose to help me and let me realise about this!

In this world, if i were to put it simply. There are only 2 different types of

girls! one is the type who put a strong front to everything and another is

the one who put a weak front to everything and basically, i can never

understand a girl's logic even being a girl myself because if you look at

it from this point, you will think that ahh, simple, two sort of girls but you

never understand the irony behind it! the girl who appear strong infront

of everyone are the girls who have the most softest heart, who try her

best not to cry infront of people but do cry infront of someone shes comfortable

with and even as things doesnt seem right or anything, she still pretended

like its okay when her heart inside is so weak! As for the girls who appear

weak in front of people whether through twitter, facebook, real life are the girls

whose heart are strong as steel! They are the type whose mind and heart

are already set to what they want to do but still they appear weak because they

needed some love and concern from people! They needed reassurance and

even as how people tell them another way, like what i said, her mind is made up,

she still do it her way! yeah, this is exactly what i dont understand about woman's

logic. It can just be a simple weak and strong but why do we even complicate things!

And yes, i admit that definitely being a girl, i do belong to one of them which is definitely

the strong front girls! My job is to comfort the weak girls even when my heart are so soft

and weak. I know this is kind of a random post but this is what i thought, just a random

thought that I have! haha

God, can you bring me back to the time where things are just going smooth!

where meeting up people and sowing was so much easier! where there are

more supports and love! where quiet time was something i really enjoy! where

people around me understands and love me! God, currently my love level is

going low, in fact, every single phase of my life is going low! I know i couldnt

blame you, neither others but God, i really just need that second chance to grow

again! I just dont like the fact that many determined spirituality by the results

and not by the effort and the heart. When i done so much, i done my best and

people yet dont see it because theres not much result so they just assume me

as the "all talk and no action!" Saying i dont love the people, saying i couldnt grow

any more then let me just say this, its from my point of view and i just want to

express it here because i couldnt find any to spill this! people said me this but

seriously, i dont feel that you guys are any better, you talk about humbling ourself

down and loving everyone. But wheres the love without the extra mile! as many said,

"you can give without loving but you cant love without giving" yes thats what i meant!

if you really love your people, you would go the extra mile for them so dont go assuming

that you really love your people until i see some action! and saying words like this isnt

called love but its discouraging and bringing people down! God, im just so confused, i dont

know whether i should be angry, upset or just pretending nothing happen because my

emotions are not cooperating and my insecurities are killing me. I really need that second

chance, i will work harder, i want to grow! really, from the core of my heart, i do want to grow

because if i dont, i really dont see any point holding on to you but really, im sincerely asking

for just another chance, for me to grow. Not for anyone to see but for you lord, that im

chosen by you aint going to waste! God, i dont want to be going through the motion anymore!

i want to jump over that line and say "use me God for your kingdom"! and all i need is just

another chance because if i do not have that chance, i dont see any point anymore because

im already going to be gone! i just want to see my wishes and hopes coming to life before

i move on to another aspect of life. God, use me! i sincerely stretch my hand out and give you

my life. use me in any way and as long as its pleasing to you, im fine with it! all i need is

just that second chance!

I dont know why but when people talk about stefany, Emotional breakdown

were never seem to happen or exist in my life. well, though i may have emotional

breakdown but its all partly true because like what my ex LG claimed me to

be the happy go lucky person and yeah i admit, i am the one that spread the joy.

Emotional breakdown were never ever happened but as i come to this LG. i really

dont know whats happening, to say maybe because they are guys that dont

understand my feeling or i just expected too much from this bunch. Sometime i

just want to say, forget about it. they wont understand, why would you even expect

so much out of it but then again, its always easier said than done. Every single

time pretending so much that im not expecting but the truth is ive already expected

and it brought disappointment time and again. I just feel very lost, why am i like

this? you know as i read through every cards given, affirming that im a joyful girl,

that im cheerful and hyping the atmosphere up and that im one with the most patience

and loving. someone who have so much faith and so serving to God but looking

at me now, i feel like a mess, a total mess. my heart is just a spark, its not really

burning, on so bright, on fire for God but just a spark. i dont want to remain that way,

i dont want to see myself wasting my God given life away. I really really want to do

something for God's kingdom, to let God use me so so much. I want my life to be

different from everyone, to be a testimony to many many people. Sometimes, i know

its my fault, i expected too much and when im disappointed, i dont account it to people.

because the truth is, many are going through the same as me whereby they feel that

so what if you account? will they understand? they were called to listen but thats their

job, they feel that as long as we tell them, they listen, they done their job and thats it.

they wouldnt do anything beyond that line. they would just give a few advice but not knowing

that what we want isnt really that advice but just that understanding, to feel us. to strengthen

us. thats what i really need. and i have the worst mindset, yes i admit. my mindset of thinking

that people dont understand, people dont care. all they want is to finish their job. whether

its shepherding or just Leader meeting their people, as long as they get what they want and

call it complete thn its done. yes lousy, im lousy. im the worst but definitely i dont want to

continue saying im lousy, i dont want to stuck there. Camp in 5 more day and i want to just

receive from God to keep receiving and receiving till my whole cup overflow. i dont want to

always feel like in Lg, im considered the last to be seek, when the whole North gather, i

would be left behind from them. they tend to go with others and when everyone leave thn

they realise about my presence and come to me. No, i dont want it that way. seriously, who

wants to be the last. you love it when your friends tells you their problems first or either any

time. You dont want to be the one thats doesnt know about a single thing when others do

and only knew it when that person have no others to tell about. yeah i dont like to be like this

i kept so many things in me that its hard for me to account to people already. i really hate

accounting things but i really want to try. i want to do more for God and the first thing is to

open up my life for people to come in and help to grow and strengthen me into someone

like God. on the side note, im so thankful for that long stretch of road linking the different

parks together, sort everything there while walking from woodlands to sembawang after

dinner with a few people. and i really feel so much better, appreciating God's creation and

plugging in to worship (:

God, the coming camp that is to come, i dont want it to be just another camp where we

gather for fellowship. i want it to be a camp where i could experience you the most, to just

receive more and more from you. And from there, to grow and let it not just stop there but

after camp to continue growing to greater height. Lord, i really commit Camp into your hand.

that i will really learn so much more, to overflow my cup. in jesus name i pray, Amen

Today wasnt something very good! i feel so disappointed which leads

to more disappointment from people! i just let emotions control me and

i feel so angry about it. started off so angry that even coming to service

isnt something which i want to do for today. i was so angry that i had to

constantly stop myself during praise and worship to just let my heart quieten

down and just let God come into the picture but every single time i calm

down and start doing my usual routine, thoughts of the scene came to my

head which lead me to stop again. then i decided not to calm myself anymore.

i just stop throughout the whole things. i open my eyes and look at every

single one of the people as they jump and lift their hands for God. As i look

for a little more, i closed my eyes and start ranting every single things to God.

as i start ranting and ranting, naturally tears rolled down. God is the only

one whom i can talk to about it. i never dared to share to any leaders or even

to my LG. wanting to share to my shepherd but felt that it wasnt the right timing

so i was glad God was there. i rant and rant and rant and my heart start to

ache so much, so much that i could not go on anymore. i just literally stop and

cry. and when the whole worship ended, i just pretended nothing really happen

and sat down and just smile to my Lg. Throughout the whole service, i couldnt

concentrate, my mind keep drifting away. i was rather angry about it thn after service

i just want to be alone. Even with visitors present, i couldnt bear to go up to them

and introduced and just talked because im already so cui and you still expect me

to carry on! so i decided not to care and just be alone. definitely, behaving like this.

My LGL was definitely disappointed by it. and i could sense it, i feel so sorry but i

cant gave him an explanation in this state and it will be rediculous for it so i just

kept quiet and continue to be a disappointment even though no matter wat question

was asked. i feel so sorry now, i feel like a disappointment to people and never

would i like being a disappointment. im so upset and im so angry about it. Even

as how i tried to stop dwelling on it, i just couldnt cos the guilt in me is building up

inside

still in the midst of O level! everything still going on smoothly, thank God.

Recently, i just dont feel very good. i just feel like something is missing

but could never figure out what. I wonder if anyone feel like as though they

are just so minuscule in that place. I thought about it and i dont see any

need for me to keep initiating stuff when nobody even gave a hook about it.

I just dont get it, am i that unpredictable or either you people dont even care

about me. When i make it as a joke, your take it seriously. when im serious

about it, you guys make a joke out of it. I dont get it. is it because of the difference

in age, or the difference in gender or just different personality because im

feeling so turned off already. I am not outspoken, i am trying my best to be

outgoing and making everything funny so that i wont seem to be boring you

people off. But you guys are not even reciprocating. i just dont feel worth it.

i dont feel welcome and i feel like you are just making everything hard for me.

i am already in situation where im not in good term with my friends in school,

seldom seeing some of my friends in church and you guys have to add on to

it. i am so upset. you never understand anything, you never take one minute

out to think about my feeling. its already so hard for me and you guys never care

to make a way for me. Saying so happily and confidently about speaking to build

and not to tear. but you guys are really tearing me down. you know what, i just

dont see the difference anymore, between this and that. and even if one day, i

were to leave, i would never know it because theres no difference to it. i left early

every single time not because i have something on but just because, if you guys

are so much interested in finding others and doing things that you guys like then

i see no reason in staying. And only when i said im leaving then you guys cared

to show a little concern but then back to your things again. I dont get it, im sick

and tired of it. And sometimes im just angry at myself, i am someone thats so

silent to the point that i never shared deep with anyone. i am the type that listen

and thinking that listening is so much better, i come to realise i got no place to

rant mine. my insecurities building up inside of me thats its killing me. wanting

to share my view to people but afraid of being condemn. i just feel angry about it.

God, help me. Really provide me with strength to go through this! let me bring you

in to the picture and not be rush with things i do!

Feel so encouraged as i start to read every card given by people.

it really gave me the strength to carry on and strive for my work! and

it definitely wouldnt fail to put this tingling feeling as i start to smile

over every single cards. but as i start reading the encouragement

from my classmate, yes it does make me smile but i was alittle irritated

by it. The fact that most of them wrote, "aiya, you distinction one" "so

smart, confirm can one" really irritates me load. Its not about being

smarter than people that i could score well, i believe theres no stupefied

or imbecile people in this world, there would only be ignorant people.

As long as you put in your best, definitely there will be rewards. i dont

believe in just having that brain, nobody start out smart and the fact that

if im smart, i would not have end up being in the same class as my

classmate. Everyone is equal, its just the amount of work you put in

that matters. And the very fact that, God is with me through this whole

period would bring me motivation and would evidently show the result

i put in. God have been faithful, so so faithful that i felt that i wasnt even

a slight bit worthy but still he love me  and thats all i really need. what

a great God, and the least bit i could do is to shine his name through my

life, to glorify him with every effort ive put in.

God, i thank you for evidently showing yourself to me. even as how ive

not been very worthy to you, even as how i always push you out of the

picture, how i fall into temptation time and again but still your a faithful,

loving father and yes, this is enough. Lord, i pray that i would be more

faithful, even as how im living in this worldly world, how you are unseen

but still Lord, allow me to focus my eyes towards the eternal riches,

towards you. Guide me through this hard time and just allow me to shine

before everyone and show how real you are in my life. Lord, i know

you are currently at work, you have a plan for me and i just thank you and

commit everything in your hand, in Jesus name i pray, Amen.

Os coming in few weeks time! and currently, its not really a time when

i want to take my Os! im going through so many shit, whether it comes

to LG, to sheeps, to Os, to friendship. i feel so troubled, i feel like just

raising the white flag. i kept ranting and ranting, i kept pushing God out

of the picture, i start putting vulgarities in the picture, im starting to raise

the white flag but i never knew that God was always here for me! as i

start to quieten myself and worship God, God somehow reminded me of

the book of Exodus where the israelite had to move out of Egypt because

of Moses instruction but Pharaoh's heart was always harden by the lord

thus the Egyptian would tries way to get the Israelite back to Egypt. Thn the

Israelite lose faith, they get upset, they start ranting to Moses, why must he

make everything so hard for them, if he did not appear and just leave them

to be, it would all be so much better and what Moses replied was something

that really struck me [ Exodus 14: 13-14 ]

¹³ Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see

the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you

will never see again. ¹⁴ The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

and at that moment, i was struck hard. all this while, ive only been blaming the

situation, always been ranting and ranting. been pushing God out of the picture.

been just walking through this valley alone, forgetting that God is always here.

Think what God just want to remind me is that, he is God, he is here and he will

guide me through. All i need to do, is to exchange my heart with a heart thats soft.

soft for God to mould and be assured that God is there. all i need to do, is to be

in time of sabbath. to just quieten my heart down and just adore God and talk to

God about it! all in all, all i need to do is to be calm and put God into the picture. my

God is my shepherd, my lord. i shall not be in want but let God come and control

my life, come and be the driver seat, come and just guide me through the hardest

valley and celebrate with me on the mountain. all i need to do, was just to know that

God is in control, he have a plan and i just have to be still !

Being a student in marsiling secondary school! yes, i did come to a

point where i hate this school to the core yet not regretting about my

decision sometimes. Still remember vividly how i was for the past few

years when i first came into secondary school, leading the best few

month of my life where i spend my time with friends whom i just met!

how i stared at this girl during sec 1 and eventually becoming one of

my bestfriend for 3 years and how problems start arising when i met

Ellina, who definitely now is the greatest impact and friend in my school.

people start hating me, people start despising me, even people from

other class though not knowing who i was but under people influence,

dislike me and did not even want to befriend me. friends start leaving,

friends start backstabbing and i was all alone. I was so upset, i was so

pissed, i had the worst year of my life. Never have i felt like this in primary

school! but i met Baoer who was one of those that still stand by me today!

being a joy in my life. And as i was talking to zhaoyong about being 4 years

in class together yet we never seem to really talk and we start thinking back

to found out that we acted in lit drama, we did environment things! its really

great memory but somehow regretting was that, i am an introvert, i only talk

when people talk to me so at that time, i was so used to being in my comfort

zone that even till now, theres some specific people in sec 1 or 2 that i have

not even talk to. but still i move on, i came to upper sec. and upper sec was

definitely so much better than before, i come to know the true meaning of class

spirit. i felt so bonded in the class and this was the class that allow me to

show out my joy as and when i like, to scream and shout without having to

care if people would give a damn. one of the best class where i met friends,

and even get to bond with my classmate in lower sec whom i never talk to.

right now, though losing some frens, losing some watever shit, realise im just

so insignificant in people life, i still felt contented because i have true friends,

i have church friends that stay by me and this is what im happy about! ive gone

through so much in secondary school where i knew the true meaning to certain

things where i first heard about God and come to accept christ so im happy that

it all come to an end with something ive learn. and im ready to face the next chapter

of my life (: GOODBYE MARSILING SECONDARY SCHOOL ^^